Well! The 20th of August has been and gone, and my stay in hospital was rather eventful! Bit of a roller coaster really!

After ending my relationship with Rob, i decided that i wanted to go through the rest of the whole heart thing on my own. Its really hard to concentrate on yourself, when you have people in your life that are selfish! I was made to feel as though what i was going through wasn't as important as certain other peoples feelings and at times over the last 9 months i definitely was a lot more important!

So my dad took me to Papworth on the morning of 20th August after doing a night shift! When we arrived at hospital, i was shown straight to my bed and got all tagged up :) haha.
I asked my dad to leave as i wanted to be on my own, so he kissed me on the head and walked away. Even though its what i wanted, i never felt so lonely. This is when my new best friend came in super handy :) good texts to cheer me up! He knows exactly who he is.

After about 15 minutes, a transplant coordinator sat with me and explained what would be going on over the next couple of days, he asked me if i was scared? what a strange man! obviously i was scared i don't know anyone that wants a needle and tube in there neck?

Now my favourite person from a hospital came and took 22 vials of blood..... Ouch

I had a few chats with different people, such as surgeons and transplant nurses, They were really scary and most of the information, i didn't really absorb.

At around 1pm, i was taken to do an exercise test and a lung function test. Which was actually quite hard. I had to walk round 2 cones for 6 minutes, whilst being monitored by a watch type thing that measured, my pulse and oxygen absorption. The results were pretty good! I then had a lung function test, and again the results were good, but i was so tired and it was really hard doing all these, breathing exercises into different machines. Finally i had to go on an exercise bike and continue pedalling at the same speed for as long as i could, even though it got harder and harder, again i was hooked up to loads of machines the results showed that i was actually very fit :)

I was taken back to the ward. I had a quick shower and when i got back to my bed, the transplant coordinator was waiting for me, he said that i could go home if i wanted and i didn't need a transplant anytime soon, so i got all my stuff together and phoned my dad.

Then the consultant came over and said noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you have to stay. :(

I had some more blood taken, and i went for a little walk and got lost :/ But some nice security men ;) helped me get back to the ward. Had a really nice phone conversation, with THE nicest guy ever which made me feel better!

I didn't sleep that night, i started believing that i was so much better and everything was going to be OK.

First thing in the morning, i had more blood taken and watched everyone eat there breakfast as i wasn't allowed any :( A porter came and got me at around 10am, and i remember being super scared! I got into the surgery room and there were so many people in there. One of the doctors remembered me from when i stayed at Glenfield, as my condition is so rare.

I laid underneath the xray machine and struggled to breathe as i had to lie flat, which i can only just manage. The surgeon cleaned my neck and inserted the needle which stung so bad, i think it was more painful than the pacemaker! I felt him poking around for about 10 minutes and then once it was in the right position they flushed some fluid through it to see how my heart reacted to the fluid.

I was trying to listen to what they were all saying, but i was sort of slipping away, i was really numb all over and freezing cold. I could feel my heart beating really hard, like it was going to jump out of my chest.

Everyone kept asking me if i was OK and i thought to myself, i don't know am i? haha.

When the surgeon took the needle out around half an hour later, it began to sting again and i could feel it bleeding. They put a dressing on it and i got unhooked from all the machinery. I was then taken for another chest xray.

I got back to my bed at around 2pm and ate half a pork chop..........

Then i was taken to have an echo cardiogram. Same old rubbish results. I have a blood clot again on my heart and the function is still extremely poor.

One of the consultants called whilst i was having the scan done and said that he wanted to see me as soon as possible.

While i was waiting for the consultant, I found out that someone who i really admired and loved so much, had passed away after battling this condition, and undergoing a heart transplant. Megan Louise Canfield, I don't really know what to do without you!

When i got to his office there were 3 doctors including him, and 2 nurses. They had my medical notes and LOADS of other paper work. I just sat there whilst they discussed me. I was listening to them and they were very positive and then negative. The Lead Consultant then spoke directly to me and said that i was extremely rare because usually in Post Partum Cardiomyopathy, people don't recover this late on after no improvement during the first 6 months. Over the last 2 months the amount that i had improved was a miracle. However, the level of heart failure is still extremely high, and the function is very poor. We discussed all the results and they showed me the Xray that i had done in June and the one that i had just had done, it was amazing how much my heart had shrunk although they stressed how abnormally large it still was.

They told me that, as my symptoms are not as bad as they were previously, it is too early to be considered for a transplant. I asked what the life expectancy was..... 5 years, 80% of people in my position will have died. I didn't even cry, because someone really important mad me believe in myself and i think I'm the 20% that will live. I'm having another transplant assessment in February as its likely that my condition may have deteriorated by then, but also it may have got better :)

After only eating a pork chop and a mars bar in 24hours, My daddy took me to Mc donalds.
BIG MAC <3

I went to Papworth on the 18th of June with Thomas and Rob. Despite trying to be realistic, i did build myself up for them to say i had made a full recovery. Yeah right!

I saw the nurse first and she did my blood pressure and explained what would be happening throughout the day.

I then had a chest xray and 9 vials of blood taken, where my hand went purple and freezing cold! I also had an ECG done again which was boring because of the pacemaker!

We sat waiting in the waiting area for around 20 mins, i felt quite confident as i had bee feeling so good. I was called in and i remember seeing this really beautiful girl who must of been my age and she was in a wheel chair and she had tubes all over her face, My stomach dropped and i felt really sick.

This was the first time i met my consultant at Papworth, Dr Lewis. In the room was 3 or 4 medical professionals including him. First of all i had to explain the whole situation pretty much from the pregnancy to today, and he wrote it all down.

He then explained the findings of the chest xray, me and rob looked at each other like omg! He showed us the pictures of my chest and my heart was even bigger than it was when this all started. I looked down at Thomas and his little eyes were so heavy, he fell asleep.

I know he doesn't understand, but i was glad Thomas was asleep. We talked for ages about the situation, but i cant even remember it, went in one ear and out of the other, they prescribed me some new medications and asked me if i had any questions about what was going to happen now.

Obviously i said yes! Haaa. Ummm this is when i was really glad Thomas was asleep as Dr Lewis explained that it is pretty impossible for me to be alive whenThomas starts secondary school without having a heart transplant. This being 11 years maximum and the average life with a transplant lasts 10 years.

I couldn't even cry. I had  a really bad headache but the rest of me felt numb, which is really strange as i knew this all along but it just felt horrible and shocking.

I wasn't going to write any of this as Ive been doing really well, walking and having more of a life :)
But the truth is that I'm more than likely making things worse long term.

Well anyway, I'm going to Papworth in the week beginning 20th August, to have tissue testing and some horrible needle put through my throat, and Ive got to stay there for 3 nights :(

I am now 7 months post diagnosis, and my opinions and feelings on this whole situation have changed so much. I wish i wrote my feelings down more often as i was experiencing them, because i cant even put myself into that position again and i cant portray what i went through.

Over the passed month, i feel as though i have got stronger and stronger and i am doing loads! But all my tests results are really rubbish and i ache so bad! This is why i didn't really want to write my blog and i didn't go to see my psychologist because i just wanted to enjoy feeling so good :)

I decided to start writing it again today because I'm going to Papworth tomorrow to be assessed for a transplant. During May and the beginning of June, I felt really good about myself, like i was some kind of machine and like i could deal with anything ;)

But now tomorrow is soooo close and I'm soooooo scared :(
I feel really energetic and I'm building myself up for them to say that i have made a miraculous recovery but I'm guessing i haven't and I'm supposed to be prepared for things to get a lot worse.

Sooooooooooooo Roll on tomorrow :/

I found it really difficult to accept what had happened over the last few months, which i guess anyone would also find hard!
My head was full of so much negativity. I had pains that i just couldn't explain. I had daily episodes of just feeling my life slipping away and i could actually feel my heart stopping.
The only thing keeping me going was my fantastic family.

Until the end of February i was pretty much living in my pyjamas and in the bath 3 times a day as it was so warm and my circulation was so poor, i felt like my fingers and toes were going to drop off.

There are a few experiences that i should probably explain right about now.....
but i just can't. I perhaps haven't quite come to terms with everything! I keep typing them and then deleting them as they make me cry.

But anyway. Me and Rob went off to a hotel for the evening, just to have some space really and enjoy the jacuzzi and sauna. I had a genuinely great time, which i didn't think would ever happen again but i was sooooooooooooo knackered the next day.

In March things improved for me psychologically a lot! I still had my moments! But i felt like there may be light at the end of the tunnel. It was just a long tunnel!

Throughout March and April, i had to attend various appointments at Glenfield. I was rushed back once due to water retention, They wanted me to be admitted but i really didn't want to stay. The next week when i went back i had lost over 7kgs! My cardiologist was trying to be upbeat and encouraging. But i still went home disheartend. He told me that my BNP blood test result is around 4000 and it should be 35. He told me not to panic and nothing was certain but he needed to refer me to The Papworth Transplant centre. So me being me went home and googled BNP Blood results and came up with a load of horror stories about, high BNP being over 100 or something like that and people dying with it so much lower than mine.

Great!

The week leading up to Christmas was so scary and so hard. Rob was at work until 2pm everyday and i could hardly move from the bed. On Christmas eve, we decided that we wanted to go back to our own house and attempt to enjoy our first Christmas morning together as a little family.
Being back in that house was so hard. All the memories and the plans, that i had for us living in that cute little house and bringing Thomas up together just made me cry.

Christmas was so tiring and i knew how much my mum loved it. She wanted everyone to have a great time but i just sat in the bathroom throwing up!

The next few weeks passed by with lots of throwing up and a really bad cough. I hated new year as i was pretty depressed and death was all i could see. Everyone was making their new years resolutions and wishing happy new year. Pissssssssssssssssss off i thought :)

At the beginning of January i was at my Doctors surgery having a regular blood test called INR so that i could be dosed for warfarin. The nurse was concerned about my blood pressure being so low, my lips being blue and how pale my skin was. So she got a doctor who said i needed to go to Grantham Hospital as soon as possible. So i threw up my actual lunch, it looked like chicken stew and it even smelt like chicken stew!

Off we went again, only my dad looked after Thomas. When we arrived i was told straight away that i would be staying in. I just did not want to be there. I really didn't want to fight anymore. I had a scan of my abdomen which showed that i had an enlarged liver and it was in a similar condition to that of an 80 year old man.
I also had a scan of my heart done again which showed that the pacemaker was working and i was more stable but the function of my heart had barely improved.

The doctors explained to me that there is often a backlog when the heart fails and it can often lead to liver failure and then other organs begin to fail. This explained why i was being sick, along with getting used to the various tablets. I was allowed to go home the next day, As they expected my body to react in this way due to the level of heart failure.

Throughout January and February i was going to weekly checkups at Glenfield hospital. Finally towards the end of Feb, due to a change in medication, the sickness eased off to just a couple of times a week rather than 3 times a day!

I was feeling a lot better than what i had but life was still rubbish!

I was so worried that i was going to be in hospital for Thomas' first Christmas. I felt like i was ruining it for everyone. On the 16th December, I decided that i really wanted to go home, the doctors advised me to give it a few more days but my mind was made up. They agreed and started the process of discharging me, as Dr Loke knew how much i wanted to be with Thomas. I had to stay pretty much all day, threw up a few times but i was so excited. I was definitely still strongly believing i was going to die, but i just wanted my family.

Rob and my mum arrived and we spent a couple of hours just waiting with my packed bags! A nurse came and showed me all my tablets and gave me a load of paperwork.
I looked down into the green bag she had given me and felt totally numb. All the tablets really scared me. I was on around 20 a day including pain killers.

We were allowed to go! well i had to go in a wheelchair as i was still very weak and couldn't walk hardly at all. When we got outside the cold hit me really hard i felt like my fingers and toes were going to drop off. I felt as though my face was bleeding and i just couldn't catch my breath.

That was a very long journey! Very uncomfortable also as i couldn't sit back, but i felt to weak to hold myself up.

When we got back, after lots of cuddles with Thomas me and Rob decided that we would spend the night together in our own house for what would probably be the last time. It felt lovely to be back in our bed, and it was the first night i hadn't been lonely, even though i was in so much pain i was a lot more comfortable at home.

Rob went to work the next morning at 7am. My mum, dad and Thomas came round at 9am, I was a little bit anxious at being on my own, i didn't move from my bed until they arrived. I loved spending time with Thomas and he gave me those looks that you only give Mummy!
My grandad and his wife Fiona came up from Ipswich to see me and we compared pacemakers as he had one too.

When Rob came home at 2pm, we decided that we wouldn't be able to cope with Thomas and me barely able to move. My parents agreed that we could move in with them. Oh great! I love my mum and dad to pieces but this was like being a kid again! But we didn't have a choice, it just wouldn't have been fair on any of us.

I cried pretty much the whole way to Glenfield. I was so convinced that i was going to die, I just thought whats the point? I might as well go home and spend my time with Thomas.

I was also really worried that i would be stressing my mum and dad out. Everyone was so happy i was closer and i felt like i had let them down even though it wasn't my fault.

No one was surprised to see me back at Glenfield, which made me quite mad. Someone should have stopped me being transferred back to Grantham as it gave me false hope.

My mum, dad and Thomas arrived pretty much as soon as i did. I wanted to be with them and make them all happy but i knew i just couldn't and i blamed myself. Dr Loke, the cardiologist came straight down and apologised for the mistake, but i couldn't stop crying.

The sickness really took over now, i couldn't even think about food without throwing up. I lost a lot of weight, around 2 stone in 2 weeks. I also became really moody and hated it when anyone spoke to me, especially when people said "awwwww you have had such a rough time", Yeah i bloody know!

I heard the familiar voice of the old lady from Grantham, that was waiting for a pacemaker, how strange that she would be in the bed opposite me at the same hospital. She did make me smile when she had a phone call from her son but couldn't work out why he sounded so far away, probably as she had the phone upside down!

I stayed in that bed out on the ward for a couple of nights, with a right old snorer in the bed next to me.

My blood pressure was still really low but my heart rate had stabilised, so the doctors said i could be unhooked from the monitors. As they had found a blood clot in my heart i was started on warfarin tablets. Yay more tablets! Not! It was good to be free and i could throw up in the comfort of the toilet rather than a cardboard pot.

I was moved into a side room again as the toilet was closer and i couldn't walk very far.
Over the next few days i would say i did get a bit stronger. Rob took me for walks up the corridor in a wheelchair and i sat in the day room and watched TV.

One Saturday Rob spent the whole day with me, he really cheered me up. After he left i struggled down to the day room to watch the xfactor final, i wish i didn't. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time! All the songs made me burst out crying and the adverts were full of happy little families. I wanted my baby so much. I could see out the window it was snowing, i wondered if i would ever be out in it with Thomas i craved him so bad!

I went to bed still crying. I still couldn't sleep and kept having to sit up as i wouldn't be able to catch my breath.

I stayed in hospital for a further 6 days, and they were pretty boring but i was so excited to get visits from My Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob also my brother James. I didn't want anyone else to see me, i was such a mess.

On one of the week days, James, Mum and Thomas were sitting with me when i started throwing up, I was given some anti sickness medication through a drip and i had a fit, i remember seeing Thomas' face as James took him out of the room, I thought that was the last time i would see him. When i came round the Dr told me it was an allergic reaction to the anti sickness. Which was a relief as me and mum thought it was my heart.

Walking back to my room, was really difficult. It was literally only a few metres but after just standing up i felt as though I'd ran a marathon. I was so dizzy and my legs ached like mad!

Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob came a little later. We were chatting away when the man in the room next door, had a cardiac arrest and all his family were asked to stand outside. We think he died as they were crying a lot and he wasn't there the next day.

Every time Thomas looked at me i felt so guilty and as if i had really let him down. He was just starting to smile and laugh and i was missing it all. I thought that i didn't deserve to be his mum. He was so perfect and i just wasn't good enough. Every time they took him away from me the aching was a whole lot worse!

After a couple of days i was moved into the next room, as it was closer to the nurses station and they wanted to keep an eye on me as i am so young. I could barely sleep at night and all the medication i was on made me so sick at least twice a day. I also had diarrhoea which was great fun as i was attached to the monitor and i wasn't allowed off it, so i was majorly dizzy, about to poo myself, had absolutely no energy and had to navigate to the toilet with only just enough wire to stay attached!

I can't really remember all my feelings over the next couple of days and i can barely remember what went on but my cardiologist had a day off and i was being looked after by a different doctor.

He discharged me back to Grantham Hospital as the pacemaker was doing it's job and i was supposedly doing well on the medication. This came as a bit of a shock, and i could tell the nurses thought it was a bad idea but i wasn't complaining. This really gave me some hope that i could get closer to my family especially little Thomas. 

I packed all my stuff straight away and sat out of breath on the edge of the bed. I kept looking at my phone and seeing my pictures of Thomas and i was so excited. All the rubbish i was going through just went away i was so excited to bond with him again and be his mummy. I phoned my mum and Rob to tell them and they also were shocked but so pleased.

The ambulance came to take me back to Grantham and i felt absolutely awful! It was so cold outside, it took what little breath i had away. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low in the ambulance and i could feel myself drifting off. I just heard one of the crew say to the other we'll be back later! But i just wanted to go home.

It felt like we got to Grantham in the blink of an eye. Mum, Dad, Rob and Thomas were there and i felt good :) All the nurses were surprised that i had been sent back but i was just so happy!

I managed to sit in the day room with my family and i began to feel really tired but Thomas looked at me, and it was like it was just us in the room and i knew, he knew me i felt on top of the world!

Well emotionally i did but physically i was wrecked! I got back into bed and all the nurses were fussing over me! There was a little old lady in the bed opposite who was waiting for a transfer to Glenfield to have a pacemaker, she was really lovely but very chatty and a bit deaf. I just did not have the energy!

I started to feel REALLY dizzy. It was my blood pressure again that was jumping around.
The trouble with the medication, is that you need a high dose to make a difference and it lowers your blood pressure and mine just wasn't holding out.

I had a rubbish night again, threw up a couple of times and as i wasn't quite so down and depressed i was even bored!

The next morning at around 8am all the machines that i was connected to started beeping really loudly and all the nurses gathered round and gave me oxygen and did all their little tests. No one really said anything to me as per usual! A doctor came a few moments later with the echo machine and i had another ultrasound of my heart.

They found a large blood clot, (Thrombus) in my heart and i was immediately transferred back to Glenfield under the instruction of my cardiologist, who was furious that i had been discharged to Grantham.

When the pain relief was wearing off the next day, the site of the pacemaker was really sore, mainly due to my breasts being so engorged with milk.

I was wired up to loads of monitors. So i was unable to leave my bed, not that i had the energy to do so anyway! I had to use the commode when i needed the toilet, which was really embarrassing for me and completely undignified. I pretty much cried all morning.

A man who was in the bed across the ward from me, kept asking loads of questions. At first i managed to be polite, but when he persisted with telling me what a rough time i must of had i could have screamed!

I hate that, when people you don't know are so overly sympathetic. I'm just moaning but it really annoys me!

One of the nurses came over and said that a side room had become available and that i could have it. Yes! So i was moved straight away.

I really had lost a lot of interest, i just didn't really care about anything. I wasn't even that bored.

The menu was very boring and the food was not nice! Or was it me? I managed about half a sandwich that lunchtime and threw it up almost immediately. The monitor started beeping really loudly and i really couldn't breathe (More than usual!) A couple of nurses came rushing in and everything went into slow motion again. I could hear people talking to me but i just didn't have the energy to respond. I came round, feeling really dizzy and there was loads of nurses in the room and 2 or 3 doctors.

Throughout this whole experience, i felt as if all the medical people i had spoken to were really patronising, and most of them didn't really want to upset me so they sort of shuffled round the issue and weren't really straight with me. Except for Dr Loke the cardiologist and now a really lovely doctor who i only ever saw twice.

I don't know his name and i didn't thank him nearly enough. He really put things into perspective for me, We chatted for a while and he told me lots of information about my condition. I asked him if i was going to die and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that it was a strong possibility but i was strong and had pulled through a lot already.

I'm a super duper negative person, I always have been. I prepare myself for the worst all the time so that i don't get shocked and hurt, and all this just made me a million times worse! But i appreciated the straight honest talk!

My mum and dad arrived later that afternoon with Thomas, But i felt different towards him. We were so close and he depended on me for the milk before, but now i felt like we didn't know each other. I tried, but i couldn't get to know him as every part of me ached and i couldn't hold him without nearly passing out.

The next day was a Sunday and i had a check on my pacemaker and a chest xray, which showed so far it was doing a good job! Dr Loke came to check on me and suggested that i see a psychologist to see if i had post natal depression. Yay i was unhooked from all the monitors! I went to see the psychologist and we talked. I told her how i felt and she thought my feelings towards Thomas were fairly normal considering all that had gone on. She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and added an antidepressant to my ever growing list of tablets!

I was taken pretty much as soon as he arrived. I felt very strange i wasn't even scared anymore. Waiting for Dr Loke, who was going to fit my pacemaker i was in a room full of over 65s who were completely knocked out after having there pacemakers fitted. The hardest thing for me at this time was that having the pacemaker, would quite possibly just not be enough, and i couldn't stop thinking about my future and all the things i wanted to do.

Two of the cardiologists assistance came and explained a little about the procedure but i couldn't really understand. Nothing they were saying was being absorbed. They took me through to the surgery room where Dr Loke was and around 5 or 6 other men and a couple of women, They did a great job at getting me relaxed. But OH MY GOD they were all stood around me and my heart sank! Haven't shaved my legs and there on show! At head height! Ha.

They inserted a needle with the anaesthetic in my right arm and hooked me up to the screen so that the doctor could see what he was doing. I grabbed a little look at all the equipment and almost threw up. Dr Loke put a screen up above my breasts so that i couldn't see what was going on.

I couldn't really feel anything painful but for around 15 minutes there was loads of pulling and pressure on the left side of my chest, I didn't make a sound until he put the pacemaker in and had to get it settled within the tissue, OUCH! they topped up the pain relief thankfully :).

The whole thing went on for around an hour, a little longer than usual procedures due to how bad my heart failure was. Which mean that i needed a bi ventricular pacemaker, with three electric leads instead of most which only need one or two. They had to keep topping the Morphine up as it kept wearing off. I was so uncomfortable but had absolutely no energy. As i had been breast feeding Thomas for 7 Weeks and then just had to stop, i developed mastitis just to top things off :).

I went back to the room with all the oldies for a few minutes, then i was taken back to the critical care unit. Rob was waiting for me. We sort of had a strange chat as i drifted off to sleep due to all the Morphine and pain relief. I was trying but i couldn't stay awake, Rob left at around 8 o'clock. I woke up at 9 o'clock and couldn't go back to sleep. Great! All on my own listening to all the emergencies that were going on around me.

That night was so hard because this had all happened so quick and i just didn't understand why.
I had never been away from Thomas not even for an hour, i hadn't even really been away from Rob for very long. I know it sounds silly but i didn't even know where Leicester was really so i felt a million miles away.

I'm not really sure how i made it through that night, but i did!

The next day was when i first met my Cardiologist Dr Loke. All the doctors and nurses told me he was probably one of the best in the country so that was kind of reassuring. He came rushing over to me in his surgery clothes and explained a little about the condition of my heart. Due to the extra supply of blood that my body was providing for my son a massive strain was put on my heart during the pregnancy, the birth and the few months of breastfeeding after. Dr Loke explained that i may need to be transferred to Papworth hospital if things get any worse and that i was on the waiting list for a heart transplant.

I had decided that i really didn't want one, i was so scared! I know it sounds really selfish but i just put all the thoughts of my family, especially Thomas to the back of my head and just wanted it all to be over.

Dr Loke advised me that it would be benificial for me to have a Pacemaker fitted, to stop my heart from beating too fast, it would also help the 2 chambers of my heart pump in syncronisation instead of the strange patterns it was deciding to pump on it's own!

I think when the words heart transplant were said i kind of just closed down and nodded my head. I didn't really care what happened from then on, i knew that Thomas was ok with my parents and again i just wished that i was dead, and it was all over.

I was left alone for a while and i just cried, couldn't stop. A nurse came over with a telephone and asked if i wanted to speak to my mum. I remember shaking my head, i didn't even look at her. I heard her on the phone telling my mum that i was going for surgery. Then it was obvious by what the nurse was saying, that my mum had given the phone to my dad and that she was crying.
Even though i couldn't hear her i could just see my mum and dad in my head, they were both crying and i just wanted to stop their pain, worry and stress. I know nobody deserves to go through what they went through but they are such fantastic parents and i could't bear thinking about what they were going through.

Rob arrived just as i was being taken for surgery. It was very strange as when i saw his face, all the pain went away and i sort of had some fight in me, i think i even smiled, it was great to see someone i care so much about.

This is when it all REALLY hit me. It was so scary looking around and seeing all the other patients and how sick they looked. Mum and Thomas were in the waiting room as only 2 visitors were allowed at my bedside, Dad and Rob. Looking at their faces i could tell that it had also hit them!


I started to feel really sick, but as i hadn't been eating there wasn't anything to bring up. The nurses gave me anti sickness medication through a drip.


Mum and Dad left at around 7pm as they wanted to get Thomas settled at their house. I wanted Thomas to be with them as Rob would have to go to work and i wanted stability for him. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing i ever had to do, I had so much love for that gorgeous little boy but i just did'nt know if he would see me again. Rob stayed until 9pm when visiting finished and the ambulance would be arriving within 2 hours.


Then i was all alone! I cried for a while and then had to pee then cried then had to pee! (water tablets).


I calmed down a little around 10pm and even felt a bit sleepy. Then all of a sudden i felt overwelmingley sick and i couldn't move, I was trying so desperateley to move my legs but they just wouldn't move.
For what seemed like forever everything was in slow motion and it was completeley silent, i had little visions of Thomas and Rob without me, which i find strange that i can remember so clear even though my body was closing down.


I vagueley remember a couple of nurses rushing over and thats it really! I came round in the ambulance and could see one of the nurses had come with me and bought all her kit, i couldn't speak and when i saw her with the defibulator, i decided that all the effort i was putting in just to breathe wasn't worth it and i could feel myself drifting off. I just wanted it all to stop. I was so numb and so alone.


I remember being lifted onto the bed in the critical care unit at Leicesters Glenfield Hospital. Straight away i was put back on oxgen and given some Morphine through a drip.


I became really sleepy again but i was quite comfortable. A doctor came with the Echo machine and did another Echo of my heart. This was definateley the worst night so far! I just kept feeling ok and then all of a sudden couldn't breathe.


It was a lot busier at Glenfield, and pretty much everyone was dying or being rescusitated!

That was pretty much it for the night, Rob left at around 9pm and the nurses bought in a cot for Thomas.
I really struggled for a couple of nights, trying to care for Thomas with little help. I could hardly sleep and everytime i looked at Thomas he had completeley changed his position in the cot, as he was used to his little moses basket. At least he was comfy :).


I kept asking questions but no one really told me anything which made me paranoid. The doctors were asking me really strange questions such as "have you ever had restless legs" and "headaches".


I was told that i was going for a CT scan and an Echocardiogram (Ultrasound of the heart) but i still wasn't told why! My mum and dad arrived and took Thomas for a walk whilst i had the CT scan. On the way back to the ward, the nurse was asking if i was ok and i just said no whats going on? She told me that i have a large heart but the doctors don't know why and they need to investigate further. When i got back to the ward, my mum and dad were waiting, i told them i had a big heart and dad said "yeah we know thats why you love puppies!" We really didn't know how serious the situation was.


My mum and dad left the hospital at around 1pm as Rob was due to visit at around 2 30pm, they left me just as the sonographer came to do the Echocardiogram, (Echo). The room was completeley silent for around 15 minutes until the sploshing sound that was the machine potraying the function of my heart filled the room, very strange!


A while later a rather abrupt nurse came in with some baby milk (formula) and told me that i'm not allowed to breast feed anymore, as the medication i need will pass through the milk. She also said that she had spoken to the councelling team so that they could help me come to terms with the fact that i can't have anymore children! Lovely way to break that to a 20 year old! I phoned my mum straight away and just burst into tears. I then phoned Rob, i wanted to tell him to his face but i thought he would be totally gutted and just want to move on, not that hes like that but i was in hysterics!


I managed to have a shower on my own as i felt quite energetic! But after i just collapsed on the bed and couldn't breathe. Thomas started crying in the cot and i wanted to get to him, and i was trying but i just couldn't move. I managed to ring the call bell and a nurse came quite quickly, popped her head in and started shouting up the corridor. All of a sudden the room was filled with doctors and nurses, I remember seeing through the oxygen mask, my mum, dad, Rob and Thomas cooped up in the corner of the room as they had just arrived.


After a few moments, i began to relax and get my breath back, this was the first time that the situation was explained to us. The doctor said that i would be transferred to Glenfield Hospital in Leicster as soon as a bed was available as they specialise in heart faliure. I was also told that the echo showed the efficiency of my heart was around 5%, the norm is probably around 70%. 


I could see my mum crying and everyone else just staring at me. I was really shocked and completeley convinced that i was a goner!

My blood pressure and oxygen levels dropped even further and i was moved to the critical care unit to wait for a bed at Glenfield.

Luckily enough for me, i had a post natal check up the next day with the nurse. As i walked into the doctors, the whole room was spinning and i couldn't catch my breath. I managed to land on a chair and was helped up into the examination room by the nurse. She did my blood pressure (again) which was really low and she couldn't find my pulse at all. She tapped away at her computer and a few moments later a doctor burst in.

Its really hard for me to remember a lot of what happened next, but i know they got Rob and Thomas who were in the car to come in. They explained that i needed to go to hospital as soon as possible as they thought i needed a blood transfusion due to how anemic i was!


One thing i can vividly remember is Thomas' little face in his fathers arms, It was like there was no one in the room but him. I wanted to touch him and i was trying but i just couldn't, i wanted to hold him in my arms and kiss him and talk to him but i just couldn't.
I actually felt as though i was dying, it felt as if everything was slowing down and stopping. Some how we managed to get in the car and travel to the nearest hospital.


The three of us sat in A&E, i was starting to feel a little better which was great, as Thomas wanted milk and i was breast feeding him at the time. So i fed him in a side room in A&E.

If i didn't do anything, i felt completeley normal but even laughing and talking hurt my jaw which was great since Rob is some kind of comedian! After a short wait a doctor came in and asked about my family medical history and stuck loads of stickers all over my chest and performed an ECG (Tracing of the Hearts activity). We presumed that i had a blood clot as my mum had several found on her lungs a few weeks before and had been in hospital.


When we arrived at the hospital they did loads of blood tests, the results came back super quick, i was definateley not anemic! My iron levels were very high. I was assisted to have a chest xray done, and i had that feeling, you just know when somethings seriously wrong by looking at peoples faces. After a couple of minutes, a porter, yes! a hospital porter told me i was going to be staying in, i didn't even know what was wrong at this point, but i was certantly panicking.


On the way to the ward, the porter said, "Do you know what they found?"


I shook my head with what little energy i had, he explained that i had a blood clot, but they couldn't say where, i was kind of relieved as i had been building it up in my head that i was going to die.


Me Rob and Thomas just cuddled in the little side room that Thomas had blagged me, en suite :)

Hi!

I have decided to write a blog, for anyone who is going through heart faliure or anyone who just fancies a nosey!

I gave birth to my son, Thomas on the 12th October 2011 in Lincolnshire, England. Over the proceeding 7 weeks i bacame REALLY tired, i was wheezing after just walking up a couple of stairs and i could not lay flat without becoming outrageously breathless. I didn't want to go to the doctors because things felt so perfect with my new family and i thought if i just ignored it then i would be ok! After a really bad night towards the end of November my Fiance, Rob and my Mum Lorraine persuaded me to go to out of hours GP.
They did my Blood Pressure and checked my pulse which was a little high but, they got a second opinion and decided that i was severeley anemic and i could go home and start some ferrous sulphate tablets that would improve my iron levels.

The next day i attempted to carry on as normal looking after my newborn son whilst my partner was at work, but i just couldn't cope. I couldn't even carry him without every bone in my body feeling like i was just going to keel over. My mum and dad helped out for a while and when Rob came home from work we went to an emergancy appointment at my GP surgery. They did my blood pressure which was 78/33, very low and my pulse rate was irregular measuring 90 beats per minute and then shooting up to over 150 beats per minute.
However i was sent home and told i was just anemic!

Let me Know if anyones reading this and finding it interesting and i'll carry on :)