When the pain relief was wearing off the next day, the site of the pacemaker was really sore, mainly due to my breasts being so engorged with milk.
I was wired up to loads of monitors. So i was unable to leave my bed, not that i had the energy to do so anyway! I had to use the commode when i needed the toilet, which was really embarrassing for me and completely undignified. I pretty much cried all morning.
A man who was in the bed across the ward from me, kept asking loads of questions. At first i managed to be polite, but when he persisted with telling me what a rough time i must of had i could have screamed!
I hate that, when people you don't know are so overly sympathetic. I'm just moaning but it really annoys me!
One of the nurses came over and said that a side room had become available and that i could have it. Yes! So i was moved straight away.
I really had lost a lot of interest, i just didn't really care about anything. I wasn't even that bored.
The menu was very boring and the food was not nice! Or was it me? I managed about half a sandwich that lunchtime and threw it up almost immediately. The monitor started beeping really loudly and i really couldn't breathe (More than usual!) A couple of nurses came rushing in and everything went into slow motion again. I could hear people talking to me but i just didn't have the energy to respond. I came round, feeling really dizzy and there was loads of nurses in the room and 2 or 3 doctors.
Throughout this whole experience, i felt as if all the medical people i had spoken to were really patronising, and most of them didn't really want to upset me so they sort of shuffled round the issue and weren't really straight with me. Except for Dr Loke the cardiologist and now a really lovely doctor who i only ever saw twice.
I don't know his name and i didn't thank him nearly enough. He really put things into perspective for me, We chatted for a while and he told me lots of information about my condition. I asked him if i was going to die and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that it was a strong possibility but i was strong and had pulled through a lot already.
I'm a super duper negative person, I always have been. I prepare myself for the worst all the time so that i don't get shocked and hurt, and all this just made me a million times worse! But i appreciated the straight honest talk!
My mum and dad arrived later that afternoon with Thomas, But i felt different towards him. We were so close and he depended on me for the milk before, but now i felt like we didn't know each other. I tried, but i couldn't get to know him as every part of me ached and i couldn't hold him without nearly passing out.
The next day was a Sunday and i had a check on my pacemaker and a chest xray, which showed so far it was doing a good job! Dr Loke came to check on me and suggested that i see a psychologist to see if i had post natal depression. Yay i was unhooked from all the monitors! I went to see the psychologist and we talked. I told her how i felt and she thought my feelings towards Thomas were fairly normal considering all that had gone on. She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and added an antidepressant to my ever growing list of tablets!
