I cried pretty much the whole way to Glenfield. I was so convinced that i was going to die, I just thought whats the point? I might as well go home and spend my time with Thomas.

I was also really worried that i would be stressing my mum and dad out. Everyone was so happy i was closer and i felt like i had let them down even though it wasn't my fault.

No one was surprised to see me back at Glenfield, which made me quite mad. Someone should have stopped me being transferred back to Grantham as it gave me false hope.

My mum, dad and Thomas arrived pretty much as soon as i did. I wanted to be with them and make them all happy but i knew i just couldn't and i blamed myself. Dr Loke, the cardiologist came straight down and apologised for the mistake, but i couldn't stop crying.

The sickness really took over now, i couldn't even think about food without throwing up. I lost a lot of weight, around 2 stone in 2 weeks. I also became really moody and hated it when anyone spoke to me, especially when people said "awwwww you have had such a rough time", Yeah i bloody know!

I heard the familiar voice of the old lady from Grantham, that was waiting for a pacemaker, how strange that she would be in the bed opposite me at the same hospital. She did make me smile when she had a phone call from her son but couldn't work out why he sounded so far away, probably as she had the phone upside down!

I stayed in that bed out on the ward for a couple of nights, with a right old snorer in the bed next to me.

My blood pressure was still really low but my heart rate had stabilised, so the doctors said i could be unhooked from the monitors. As they had found a blood clot in my heart i was started on warfarin tablets. Yay more tablets! Not! It was good to be free and i could throw up in the comfort of the toilet rather than a cardboard pot.

I was moved into a side room again as the toilet was closer and i couldn't walk very far.
Over the next few days i would say i did get a bit stronger. Rob took me for walks up the corridor in a wheelchair and i sat in the day room and watched TV.

One Saturday Rob spent the whole day with me, he really cheered me up. After he left i struggled down to the day room to watch the xfactor final, i wish i didn't. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time! All the songs made me burst out crying and the adverts were full of happy little families. I wanted my baby so much. I could see out the window it was snowing, i wondered if i would ever be out in it with Thomas i craved him so bad!

I went to bed still crying. I still couldn't sleep and kept having to sit up as i wouldn't be able to catch my breath.

I stayed in hospital for a further 6 days, and they were pretty boring but i was so excited to get visits from My Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob also my brother James. I didn't want anyone else to see me, i was such a mess.

On one of the week days, James, Mum and Thomas were sitting with me when i started throwing up, I was given some anti sickness medication through a drip and i had a fit, i remember seeing Thomas' face as James took him out of the room, I thought that was the last time i would see him. When i came round the Dr told me it was an allergic reaction to the anti sickness. Which was a relief as me and mum thought it was my heart.

Walking back to my room, was really difficult. It was literally only a few metres but after just standing up i felt as though I'd ran a marathon. I was so dizzy and my legs ached like mad!

Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob came a little later. We were chatting away when the man in the room next door, had a cardiac arrest and all his family were asked to stand outside. We think he died as they were crying a lot and he wasn't there the next day.

Every time Thomas looked at me i felt so guilty and as if i had really let him down. He was just starting to smile and laugh and i was missing it all. I thought that i didn't deserve to be his mum. He was so perfect and i just wasn't good enough. Every time they took him away from me the aching was a whole lot worse!

After a couple of days i was moved into the next room, as it was closer to the nurses station and they wanted to keep an eye on me as i am so young. I could barely sleep at night and all the medication i was on made me so sick at least twice a day. I also had diarrhoea which was great fun as i was attached to the monitor and i wasn't allowed off it, so i was majorly dizzy, about to poo myself, had absolutely no energy and had to navigate to the toilet with only just enough wire to stay attached!

I can't really remember all my feelings over the next couple of days and i can barely remember what went on but my cardiologist had a day off and i was being looked after by a different doctor.

He discharged me back to Grantham Hospital as the pacemaker was doing it's job and i was supposedly doing well on the medication. This came as a bit of a shock, and i could tell the nurses thought it was a bad idea but i wasn't complaining. This really gave me some hope that i could get closer to my family especially little Thomas. 

I packed all my stuff straight away and sat out of breath on the edge of the bed. I kept looking at my phone and seeing my pictures of Thomas and i was so excited. All the rubbish i was going through just went away i was so excited to bond with him again and be his mummy. I phoned my mum and Rob to tell them and they also were shocked but so pleased.

The ambulance came to take me back to Grantham and i felt absolutely awful! It was so cold outside, it took what little breath i had away. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low in the ambulance and i could feel myself drifting off. I just heard one of the crew say to the other we'll be back later! But i just wanted to go home.

It felt like we got to Grantham in the blink of an eye. Mum, Dad, Rob and Thomas were there and i felt good :) All the nurses were surprised that i had been sent back but i was just so happy!

I managed to sit in the day room with my family and i began to feel really tired but Thomas looked at me, and it was like it was just us in the room and i knew, he knew me i felt on top of the world!

Well emotionally i did but physically i was wrecked! I got back into bed and all the nurses were fussing over me! There was a little old lady in the bed opposite who was waiting for a transfer to Glenfield to have a pacemaker, she was really lovely but very chatty and a bit deaf. I just did not have the energy!

I started to feel REALLY dizzy. It was my blood pressure again that was jumping around.
The trouble with the medication, is that you need a high dose to make a difference and it lowers your blood pressure and mine just wasn't holding out.

I had a rubbish night again, threw up a couple of times and as i wasn't quite so down and depressed i was even bored!

The next morning at around 8am all the machines that i was connected to started beeping really loudly and all the nurses gathered round and gave me oxygen and did all their little tests. No one really said anything to me as per usual! A doctor came a few moments later with the echo machine and i had another ultrasound of my heart.

They found a large blood clot, (Thrombus) in my heart and i was immediately transferred back to Glenfield under the instruction of my cardiologist, who was furious that i had been discharged to Grantham.

When the pain relief was wearing off the next day, the site of the pacemaker was really sore, mainly due to my breasts being so engorged with milk.

I was wired up to loads of monitors. So i was unable to leave my bed, not that i had the energy to do so anyway! I had to use the commode when i needed the toilet, which was really embarrassing for me and completely undignified. I pretty much cried all morning.

A man who was in the bed across the ward from me, kept asking loads of questions. At first i managed to be polite, but when he persisted with telling me what a rough time i must of had i could have screamed!

I hate that, when people you don't know are so overly sympathetic. I'm just moaning but it really annoys me!

One of the nurses came over and said that a side room had become available and that i could have it. Yes! So i was moved straight away.

I really had lost a lot of interest, i just didn't really care about anything. I wasn't even that bored.

The menu was very boring and the food was not nice! Or was it me? I managed about half a sandwich that lunchtime and threw it up almost immediately. The monitor started beeping really loudly and i really couldn't breathe (More than usual!) A couple of nurses came rushing in and everything went into slow motion again. I could hear people talking to me but i just didn't have the energy to respond. I came round, feeling really dizzy and there was loads of nurses in the room and 2 or 3 doctors.

Throughout this whole experience, i felt as if all the medical people i had spoken to were really patronising, and most of them didn't really want to upset me so they sort of shuffled round the issue and weren't really straight with me. Except for Dr Loke the cardiologist and now a really lovely doctor who i only ever saw twice.

I don't know his name and i didn't thank him nearly enough. He really put things into perspective for me, We chatted for a while and he told me lots of information about my condition. I asked him if i was going to die and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that it was a strong possibility but i was strong and had pulled through a lot already.

I'm a super duper negative person, I always have been. I prepare myself for the worst all the time so that i don't get shocked and hurt, and all this just made me a million times worse! But i appreciated the straight honest talk!

My mum and dad arrived later that afternoon with Thomas, But i felt different towards him. We were so close and he depended on me for the milk before, but now i felt like we didn't know each other. I tried, but i couldn't get to know him as every part of me ached and i couldn't hold him without nearly passing out.

The next day was a Sunday and i had a check on my pacemaker and a chest xray, which showed so far it was doing a good job! Dr Loke came to check on me and suggested that i see a psychologist to see if i had post natal depression. Yay i was unhooked from all the monitors! I went to see the psychologist and we talked. I told her how i felt and she thought my feelings towards Thomas were fairly normal considering all that had gone on. She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and added an antidepressant to my ever growing list of tablets!

I was taken pretty much as soon as he arrived. I felt very strange i wasn't even scared anymore. Waiting for Dr Loke, who was going to fit my pacemaker i was in a room full of over 65s who were completely knocked out after having there pacemakers fitted. The hardest thing for me at this time was that having the pacemaker, would quite possibly just not be enough, and i couldn't stop thinking about my future and all the things i wanted to do.

Two of the cardiologists assistance came and explained a little about the procedure but i couldn't really understand. Nothing they were saying was being absorbed. They took me through to the surgery room where Dr Loke was and around 5 or 6 other men and a couple of women, They did a great job at getting me relaxed. But OH MY GOD they were all stood around me and my heart sank! Haven't shaved my legs and there on show! At head height! Ha.

They inserted a needle with the anaesthetic in my right arm and hooked me up to the screen so that the doctor could see what he was doing. I grabbed a little look at all the equipment and almost threw up. Dr Loke put a screen up above my breasts so that i couldn't see what was going on.

I couldn't really feel anything painful but for around 15 minutes there was loads of pulling and pressure on the left side of my chest, I didn't make a sound until he put the pacemaker in and had to get it settled within the tissue, OUCH! they topped up the pain relief thankfully :).

The whole thing went on for around an hour, a little longer than usual procedures due to how bad my heart failure was. Which mean that i needed a bi ventricular pacemaker, with three electric leads instead of most which only need one or two. They had to keep topping the Morphine up as it kept wearing off. I was so uncomfortable but had absolutely no energy. As i had been breast feeding Thomas for 7 Weeks and then just had to stop, i developed mastitis just to top things off :).

I went back to the room with all the oldies for a few minutes, then i was taken back to the critical care unit. Rob was waiting for me. We sort of had a strange chat as i drifted off to sleep due to all the Morphine and pain relief. I was trying but i couldn't stay awake, Rob left at around 8 o'clock. I woke up at 9 o'clock and couldn't go back to sleep. Great! All on my own listening to all the emergencies that were going on around me.

That night was so hard because this had all happened so quick and i just didn't understand why.
I had never been away from Thomas not even for an hour, i hadn't even really been away from Rob for very long. I know it sounds silly but i didn't even know where Leicester was really so i felt a million miles away.

I'm not really sure how i made it through that night, but i did!

The next day was when i first met my Cardiologist Dr Loke. All the doctors and nurses told me he was probably one of the best in the country so that was kind of reassuring. He came rushing over to me in his surgery clothes and explained a little about the condition of my heart. Due to the extra supply of blood that my body was providing for my son a massive strain was put on my heart during the pregnancy, the birth and the few months of breastfeeding after. Dr Loke explained that i may need to be transferred to Papworth hospital if things get any worse and that i was on the waiting list for a heart transplant.

I had decided that i really didn't want one, i was so scared! I know it sounds really selfish but i just put all the thoughts of my family, especially Thomas to the back of my head and just wanted it all to be over.

Dr Loke advised me that it would be benificial for me to have a Pacemaker fitted, to stop my heart from beating too fast, it would also help the 2 chambers of my heart pump in syncronisation instead of the strange patterns it was deciding to pump on it's own!

I think when the words heart transplant were said i kind of just closed down and nodded my head. I didn't really care what happened from then on, i knew that Thomas was ok with my parents and again i just wished that i was dead, and it was all over.

I was left alone for a while and i just cried, couldn't stop. A nurse came over with a telephone and asked if i wanted to speak to my mum. I remember shaking my head, i didn't even look at her. I heard her on the phone telling my mum that i was going for surgery. Then it was obvious by what the nurse was saying, that my mum had given the phone to my dad and that she was crying.
Even though i couldn't hear her i could just see my mum and dad in my head, they were both crying and i just wanted to stop their pain, worry and stress. I know nobody deserves to go through what they went through but they are such fantastic parents and i could't bear thinking about what they were going through.

Rob arrived just as i was being taken for surgery. It was very strange as when i saw his face, all the pain went away and i sort of had some fight in me, i think i even smiled, it was great to see someone i care so much about.