That night was so hard because this had all happened so quick and i just didn't understand why.
I had never been away from Thomas not even for an hour, i hadn't even really been away from Rob for very long. I know it sounds silly but i didn't even know where Leicester was really so i felt a million miles away.

I'm not really sure how i made it through that night, but i did!

The next day was when i first met my Cardiologist Dr Loke. All the doctors and nurses told me he was probably one of the best in the country so that was kind of reassuring. He came rushing over to me in his surgery clothes and explained a little about the condition of my heart. Due to the extra supply of blood that my body was providing for my son a massive strain was put on my heart during the pregnancy, the birth and the few months of breastfeeding after. Dr Loke explained that i may need to be transferred to Papworth hospital if things get any worse and that i was on the waiting list for a heart transplant.

I had decided that i really didn't want one, i was so scared! I know it sounds really selfish but i just put all the thoughts of my family, especially Thomas to the back of my head and just wanted it all to be over.

Dr Loke advised me that it would be benificial for me to have a Pacemaker fitted, to stop my heart from beating too fast, it would also help the 2 chambers of my heart pump in syncronisation instead of the strange patterns it was deciding to pump on it's own!

I think when the words heart transplant were said i kind of just closed down and nodded my head. I didn't really care what happened from then on, i knew that Thomas was ok with my parents and again i just wished that i was dead, and it was all over.

I was left alone for a while and i just cried, couldn't stop. A nurse came over with a telephone and asked if i wanted to speak to my mum. I remember shaking my head, i didn't even look at her. I heard her on the phone telling my mum that i was going for surgery. Then it was obvious by what the nurse was saying, that my mum had given the phone to my dad and that she was crying.
Even though i couldn't hear her i could just see my mum and dad in my head, they were both crying and i just wanted to stop their pain, worry and stress. I know nobody deserves to go through what they went through but they are such fantastic parents and i could't bear thinking about what they were going through.

Rob arrived just as i was being taken for surgery. It was very strange as when i saw his face, all the pain went away and i sort of had some fight in me, i think i even smiled, it was great to see someone i care so much about.