The week leading up to Christmas was so scary and so hard. Rob was at work until 2pm everyday and i could hardly move from the bed. On Christmas eve, we decided that we wanted to go back to our own house and attempt to enjoy our first Christmas morning together as a little family.
Being back in that house was so hard. All the memories and the plans, that i had for us living in that cute little house and bringing Thomas up together just made me cry.

Christmas was so tiring and i knew how much my mum loved it. She wanted everyone to have a great time but i just sat in the bathroom throwing up!

The next few weeks passed by with lots of throwing up and a really bad cough. I hated new year as i was pretty depressed and death was all i could see. Everyone was making their new years resolutions and wishing happy new year. Pissssssssssssssssss off i thought :)

At the beginning of January i was at my Doctors surgery having a regular blood test called INR so that i could be dosed for warfarin. The nurse was concerned about my blood pressure being so low, my lips being blue and how pale my skin was. So she got a doctor who said i needed to go to Grantham Hospital as soon as possible. So i threw up my actual lunch, it looked like chicken stew and it even smelt like chicken stew!

Off we went again, only my dad looked after Thomas. When we arrived i was told straight away that i would be staying in. I just did not want to be there. I really didn't want to fight anymore. I had a scan of my abdomen which showed that i had an enlarged liver and it was in a similar condition to that of an 80 year old man.
I also had a scan of my heart done again which showed that the pacemaker was working and i was more stable but the function of my heart had barely improved.

The doctors explained to me that there is often a backlog when the heart fails and it can often lead to liver failure and then other organs begin to fail. This explained why i was being sick, along with getting used to the various tablets. I was allowed to go home the next day, As they expected my body to react in this way due to the level of heart failure.

Throughout January and February i was going to weekly checkups at Glenfield hospital. Finally towards the end of Feb, due to a change in medication, the sickness eased off to just a couple of times a week rather than 3 times a day!

I was feeling a lot better than what i had but life was still rubbish!

I was so worried that i was going to be in hospital for Thomas' first Christmas. I felt like i was ruining it for everyone. On the 16th December, I decided that i really wanted to go home, the doctors advised me to give it a few more days but my mind was made up. They agreed and started the process of discharging me, as Dr Loke knew how much i wanted to be with Thomas. I had to stay pretty much all day, threw up a few times but i was so excited. I was definitely still strongly believing i was going to die, but i just wanted my family.

Rob and my mum arrived and we spent a couple of hours just waiting with my packed bags! A nurse came and showed me all my tablets and gave me a load of paperwork.
I looked down into the green bag she had given me and felt totally numb. All the tablets really scared me. I was on around 20 a day including pain killers.

We were allowed to go! well i had to go in a wheelchair as i was still very weak and couldn't walk hardly at all. When we got outside the cold hit me really hard i felt like my fingers and toes were going to drop off. I felt as though my face was bleeding and i just couldn't catch my breath.

That was a very long journey! Very uncomfortable also as i couldn't sit back, but i felt to weak to hold myself up.

When we got back, after lots of cuddles with Thomas me and Rob decided that we would spend the night together in our own house for what would probably be the last time. It felt lovely to be back in our bed, and it was the first night i hadn't been lonely, even though i was in so much pain i was a lot more comfortable at home.

Rob went to work the next morning at 7am. My mum, dad and Thomas came round at 9am, I was a little bit anxious at being on my own, i didn't move from my bed until they arrived. I loved spending time with Thomas and he gave me those looks that you only give Mummy!
My grandad and his wife Fiona came up from Ipswich to see me and we compared pacemakers as he had one too.

When Rob came home at 2pm, we decided that we wouldn't be able to cope with Thomas and me barely able to move. My parents agreed that we could move in with them. Oh great! I love my mum and dad to pieces but this was like being a kid again! But we didn't have a choice, it just wouldn't have been fair on any of us.

I cried pretty much the whole way to Glenfield. I was so convinced that i was going to die, I just thought whats the point? I might as well go home and spend my time with Thomas.

I was also really worried that i would be stressing my mum and dad out. Everyone was so happy i was closer and i felt like i had let them down even though it wasn't my fault.

No one was surprised to see me back at Glenfield, which made me quite mad. Someone should have stopped me being transferred back to Grantham as it gave me false hope.

My mum, dad and Thomas arrived pretty much as soon as i did. I wanted to be with them and make them all happy but i knew i just couldn't and i blamed myself. Dr Loke, the cardiologist came straight down and apologised for the mistake, but i couldn't stop crying.

The sickness really took over now, i couldn't even think about food without throwing up. I lost a lot of weight, around 2 stone in 2 weeks. I also became really moody and hated it when anyone spoke to me, especially when people said "awwwww you have had such a rough time", Yeah i bloody know!

I heard the familiar voice of the old lady from Grantham, that was waiting for a pacemaker, how strange that she would be in the bed opposite me at the same hospital. She did make me smile when she had a phone call from her son but couldn't work out why he sounded so far away, probably as she had the phone upside down!

I stayed in that bed out on the ward for a couple of nights, with a right old snorer in the bed next to me.

My blood pressure was still really low but my heart rate had stabilised, so the doctors said i could be unhooked from the monitors. As they had found a blood clot in my heart i was started on warfarin tablets. Yay more tablets! Not! It was good to be free and i could throw up in the comfort of the toilet rather than a cardboard pot.

I was moved into a side room again as the toilet was closer and i couldn't walk very far.
Over the next few days i would say i did get a bit stronger. Rob took me for walks up the corridor in a wheelchair and i sat in the day room and watched TV.

One Saturday Rob spent the whole day with me, he really cheered me up. After he left i struggled down to the day room to watch the xfactor final, i wish i didn't. Simply having a wonderful Christmas time! All the songs made me burst out crying and the adverts were full of happy little families. I wanted my baby so much. I could see out the window it was snowing, i wondered if i would ever be out in it with Thomas i craved him so bad!

I went to bed still crying. I still couldn't sleep and kept having to sit up as i wouldn't be able to catch my breath.

I stayed in hospital for a further 6 days, and they were pretty boring but i was so excited to get visits from My Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob also my brother James. I didn't want anyone else to see me, i was such a mess.

On one of the week days, James, Mum and Thomas were sitting with me when i started throwing up, I was given some anti sickness medication through a drip and i had a fit, i remember seeing Thomas' face as James took him out of the room, I thought that was the last time i would see him. When i came round the Dr told me it was an allergic reaction to the anti sickness. Which was a relief as me and mum thought it was my heart.

Walking back to my room, was really difficult. It was literally only a few metres but after just standing up i felt as though I'd ran a marathon. I was so dizzy and my legs ached like mad!

Mum, Dad, Thomas and Rob came a little later. We were chatting away when the man in the room next door, had a cardiac arrest and all his family were asked to stand outside. We think he died as they were crying a lot and he wasn't there the next day.

Every time Thomas looked at me i felt so guilty and as if i had really let him down. He was just starting to smile and laugh and i was missing it all. I thought that i didn't deserve to be his mum. He was so perfect and i just wasn't good enough. Every time they took him away from me the aching was a whole lot worse!

After a couple of days i was moved into the next room, as it was closer to the nurses station and they wanted to keep an eye on me as i am so young. I could barely sleep at night and all the medication i was on made me so sick at least twice a day. I also had diarrhoea which was great fun as i was attached to the monitor and i wasn't allowed off it, so i was majorly dizzy, about to poo myself, had absolutely no energy and had to navigate to the toilet with only just enough wire to stay attached!

I can't really remember all my feelings over the next couple of days and i can barely remember what went on but my cardiologist had a day off and i was being looked after by a different doctor.

He discharged me back to Grantham Hospital as the pacemaker was doing it's job and i was supposedly doing well on the medication. This came as a bit of a shock, and i could tell the nurses thought it was a bad idea but i wasn't complaining. This really gave me some hope that i could get closer to my family especially little Thomas. 

I packed all my stuff straight away and sat out of breath on the edge of the bed. I kept looking at my phone and seeing my pictures of Thomas and i was so excited. All the rubbish i was going through just went away i was so excited to bond with him again and be his mummy. I phoned my mum and Rob to tell them and they also were shocked but so pleased.

The ambulance came to take me back to Grantham and i felt absolutely awful! It was so cold outside, it took what little breath i had away. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low in the ambulance and i could feel myself drifting off. I just heard one of the crew say to the other we'll be back later! But i just wanted to go home.

It felt like we got to Grantham in the blink of an eye. Mum, Dad, Rob and Thomas were there and i felt good :) All the nurses were surprised that i had been sent back but i was just so happy!

I managed to sit in the day room with my family and i began to feel really tired but Thomas looked at me, and it was like it was just us in the room and i knew, he knew me i felt on top of the world!

Well emotionally i did but physically i was wrecked! I got back into bed and all the nurses were fussing over me! There was a little old lady in the bed opposite who was waiting for a transfer to Glenfield to have a pacemaker, she was really lovely but very chatty and a bit deaf. I just did not have the energy!

I started to feel REALLY dizzy. It was my blood pressure again that was jumping around.
The trouble with the medication, is that you need a high dose to make a difference and it lowers your blood pressure and mine just wasn't holding out.

I had a rubbish night again, threw up a couple of times and as i wasn't quite so down and depressed i was even bored!

The next morning at around 8am all the machines that i was connected to started beeping really loudly and all the nurses gathered round and gave me oxygen and did all their little tests. No one really said anything to me as per usual! A doctor came a few moments later with the echo machine and i had another ultrasound of my heart.

They found a large blood clot, (Thrombus) in my heart and i was immediately transferred back to Glenfield under the instruction of my cardiologist, who was furious that i had been discharged to Grantham.

When the pain relief was wearing off the next day, the site of the pacemaker was really sore, mainly due to my breasts being so engorged with milk.

I was wired up to loads of monitors. So i was unable to leave my bed, not that i had the energy to do so anyway! I had to use the commode when i needed the toilet, which was really embarrassing for me and completely undignified. I pretty much cried all morning.

A man who was in the bed across the ward from me, kept asking loads of questions. At first i managed to be polite, but when he persisted with telling me what a rough time i must of had i could have screamed!

I hate that, when people you don't know are so overly sympathetic. I'm just moaning but it really annoys me!

One of the nurses came over and said that a side room had become available and that i could have it. Yes! So i was moved straight away.

I really had lost a lot of interest, i just didn't really care about anything. I wasn't even that bored.

The menu was very boring and the food was not nice! Or was it me? I managed about half a sandwich that lunchtime and threw it up almost immediately. The monitor started beeping really loudly and i really couldn't breathe (More than usual!) A couple of nurses came rushing in and everything went into slow motion again. I could hear people talking to me but i just didn't have the energy to respond. I came round, feeling really dizzy and there was loads of nurses in the room and 2 or 3 doctors.

Throughout this whole experience, i felt as if all the medical people i had spoken to were really patronising, and most of them didn't really want to upset me so they sort of shuffled round the issue and weren't really straight with me. Except for Dr Loke the cardiologist and now a really lovely doctor who i only ever saw twice.

I don't know his name and i didn't thank him nearly enough. He really put things into perspective for me, We chatted for a while and he told me lots of information about my condition. I asked him if i was going to die and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that it was a strong possibility but i was strong and had pulled through a lot already.

I'm a super duper negative person, I always have been. I prepare myself for the worst all the time so that i don't get shocked and hurt, and all this just made me a million times worse! But i appreciated the straight honest talk!

My mum and dad arrived later that afternoon with Thomas, But i felt different towards him. We were so close and he depended on me for the milk before, but now i felt like we didn't know each other. I tried, but i couldn't get to know him as every part of me ached and i couldn't hold him without nearly passing out.

The next day was a Sunday and i had a check on my pacemaker and a chest xray, which showed so far it was doing a good job! Dr Loke came to check on me and suggested that i see a psychologist to see if i had post natal depression. Yay i was unhooked from all the monitors! I went to see the psychologist and we talked. I told her how i felt and she thought my feelings towards Thomas were fairly normal considering all that had gone on. She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and added an antidepressant to my ever growing list of tablets!